Welcome to my website!
WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT OLD RECORD AGAIN
Whenever a government minister is challenged on the inadequacy of their department’s funding of vital services, they use the old trick of declaring “record spending”. With continuous inflation, it’s easy to spend record amounts. All it means is that they are spending slightly more than in any previous year – not that that they are spending enough. In real terms, they can be spending less than the previous year. Then, they further confuse the issue, by quickly adding, “This year we are spending £y million for a certain item and next year we have set aside a further £z million for a different item.” Thus they hope to duck important issues such as:
“We have been forced to cut the number of police on the beat.”
“We have been forced to cancel surgical operations because our beds are full of patients with nowhere to go.”
“We have been forced to cutback school lessons, stop supporting children with special needs and ask parents to pay for vital equipment.”
So, journalists all, please challenge ministers who try to get out of trouble by record use of this worn-out record.
Last year, I launched my Free Comedy Material page. After an encouraging start, orders dwindled to nothing and I thought there was little demand for my product. Recently, my administrator identified a problem in the ordering system and dealt with it. Since then the requests have started up again. I’d like to apologize to anyone who has had difficulties in obtaining my scripts. I hope the system will work properly from now on. If you do have difficulties, do please let me know and we’ll have another look at it. (email@example.com). For anyone new to the service, I’d like to point out that the stuff covers a wide range of styles and formats, so do have a look.
As part of the Rex Players’ programme, last week I put on a script-reading evening, here in Wareham, Dorset, open to our members and other people just for the pleasure of having a laugh together over written comedy material. It covered a wide range from limericks to a short satirical play about the Brexit crisis specially written by me, by way of sketches and monologues new and old, including some gems such as Michael Bentine’s sketch about a broadcast French lesson, which comes terrifyingly to life.
COMING SOON ON THIS SITE
Do cats have a sense of humour? Roger Trouser investigates.
How inflation affects the balloon industry. Puffy Matthews meets the young helium magnates.
National Treasure, Alan Bennett, tells Mary Glertoqychw why he can’t be arsed to perfect his plays.
Women can do everything except make other women pregnant – Ovary Robinson looks at the latest trends in virgin birth.
Finally, don’t miss our pull-out-and-throw-away supplement on Island Life, in which James Salamander asks, “What is the Point of ‘Love Island’?”, while Patsy Bosom visits an island trying to ban the electron.
SIMPLE, TIMELESS PLEASURES
5 Train Journeys
Train is the most civilised way to travel. Less cramped than flying, you can enjoy a steady speed and look out of the window. You can move about. If you’re lucky you can sit at a table, which allows you easily to eat a snack or read a newspaper. You can talk to other passengers or secretly watch them, wondering what sort of lives they lead. And someone else is doing the driving.
4 Fresh Peas
The pea is a delightful vegetable which, like the banana, comes with its own packaging. Shelling the little fellows, so uniform and round, lined up for harvesting, is a most agreeable activity, which can be shared with all ages. I find I can shell with one hand while holding the phone to my ear with the other hand. The smell of a pod just opened is subtle but delightful. Easy to cook, peas go well with anything except cabbage and broad beans. Excuse me, I’m just going to have a pea.
3 Sitting outside in the shade on a hot day
Sunbathing is too much like work – or roasting and basting a chicken. Sitting in the shade is relaxing and agreeable. It induces a sense of wellbeing, without any down side. And the light is good for reading or fine work such as sewing or tackling a crossword. Best of all butterflies entertain you and birds keep you company.
2 Hanging out the Washing
It’s usually the day’s first visit to the back garden.The fresh air and the singing of the birds always makes me feel better. The other day I washed a pair of new pyjamas by hand on their own (“Wash before Wearing”) and hung them out on the line. The weather turned to rain, which grew heavy, and I forgot about my washing. The next day, I looked out to see the jacket dangling wet from a single clothes peg and the trousers escaped from the line and stuck on the hedge. Fascinating stuff, isn’t it?
1 Gazing at the Moon
Whenever I’m out in the dark, I look for the moon to see what phase it has reached. I myself hjave reached the phase in my life of taking pleasure from the full moon, something I was too busy for when I was younger. Now, I work out whether the moon is waxing or waning. Waxing and waning is something I do a lot myself these days, but not on a regular basis, unlike the moon. If the moon is waxing, I keep an eye on it to catch its night of maximum fullness. I look out early evening, when it seems larger than usual because then it appears close to terrestrial objects such as trees and building; later it seems smaller, lost in the middle of the vast dome of the night sky.
I think of the human explorers who fifty years ago landed on the moon. and I call to mind the millions of people who gazed at the moon long before Armstrong and Aldrin,and I try to imagine what they made of it. I must be a “luna”tic!
PUTTING ON A SHOW?
I now offer a special service to my visitors – free comedy material. I realised that I had written a number of sketches, mini-dramas, song lyrics and so on, and liked the idea of sharing them with people with similar interests to my own. I felt it would be too much work to sell the stuff, so I am giving it away. Nearly all of it has been tried and tested by me or people close to me. Please see my new Comedy Material page.