Welcome to my website!
Happy New Year!
RECYCLING AND OTHER RUBBISH
A look ahead at low-lights on your screens in December. Don’t miss the chance to do something worthwhile on the evenings these sorry turds are refusing to go down the pan.
A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
A desperate trawl through past Christmas specials to find one better than the original programme.
Yet another ageing performer or tired presenter takes a railway journey, not televised before. When the international network has been exhausted, expect “Great Tram Journeys of the World”, “Great Underground Journeys of the World” and “Great Bus Journeys of the World”.
Otherwise ordinary people take off their clothes so that we can see what they look like without them – a 23-year-old podiatrist with constant goose-bumps and a 42-year-old ergonomics lecturer whose tattoos seemed a good idea at the time.
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Painstakingly filmed two-hour programme in which someone less loveable than Sir David Attenborough explores the micro-organisms living in your mouth.
TELEVISION’S 100 MOST REGURGITATED MORSELS
A chance to view again this compilation of earlier “compilations to beat all compilations”. It won a cheapest-to-make-TV-programme award in 2011.
THAT’S A FINE MESS YOU’VE GOT ME INTO!
Unpopular TV personalities and non-entities keen to become famous without talent are locked in an empty room with barrels of green slime and sacks of chicken feathers.
WHAT DID CAVE-PERSONS EVER DO FOR US?
Raquel Welch digs out her old fur bikini and goes in search of cave-painters and mammoth-slavers to find out.
WHY DID THEY BOTHER?
Radio programmes that worked very well in a sightless medium, but failed dismally on the box, are given a second airing they don’t deserve.
SIMPLE, TIMELESS PLEASURES
1 Gazing at the Moon
Whenever I’m out in the dark, I look for the moon to see what phase it has reached. I myself hjave reached the phase in my life of taking pleasure from the full moon, something I was too busy for when I was younger. Now, I work out whether the moon is waxing or waning. Waxing and waning is something I do a lot myself these days, but not on a regular basis, unlike the moon. If the moon is waxing, I keep an eye on it to catch its night of maximum fullness. I look out early evening, when it seems larger than usual because then it appears close to terrestrial objects such as trees and building; later it seems smaller, lost in the middle of the vast dome of the night sky.
I think of the human explorers who fifty years ago landed on the moon. and I call to mind the millions of people who gazed at the moon long before Armstrong and Aldrin,and I try to imagine what they made of it. I must be a “luna”tic!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
(a poem for Halloween)
I’ve always lived inside my body,
but tonight I mean to come out
of my shell and take off like a
ghost. And if I’m lucky I’ll
succeed in infiltrating someone
in their sleep – it could be you!
I’ll overcome your spirit, take
its place, and everyone will wonder
what on earth’s got into you.
Of course I take the risk that while
I’m out enjoying this adventure
someone else’s spirit will
invade the premises I’ve left
unguarded. The intruder, like as
not, will be a displaced spirit –
so again it could be you.
This means, my friend, that tonight
you and I may swap identities.
You have been warned!
I like it when stars of entertainment use their pulling power to speak sense to the world. Ariana Grande said: “We need love, unity, peace and gun control.”
PUTTING ON A SHOW?
I now offer a special service to my visitors – free comedy material. I realised that I had written a number of sketches, mini-dramas, song lyrics and so on, and liked the idea of sharing them with people with similar interests to my own. I felt it would be too much work to sell the stuff, so I am giving it away. Nearly all of it has been tried and tested by me or people close to me. Please see my new Comedy Material page.