John says, 'Welcome to my website. I wish you a happy New Year.'

 

---

DESERT ISLAND DISCS – with Thirsty Tongue

(transcript of a programme that may never go out)

THIRSTY:       My castaway this week is the writer and entertainer John Barclay. He has been a medical student, swimming-bath attendant, bread-slicing-machine-operative’s assistant, speech-writer, newspaper columnist, performance poet, master of ceremonies, guest speaker and latter-day globe trotter. John, you call yourself a ‘late developer’. Does that mean that there’s lots more to come?

JOHN:            Oh yes, Thirsty – and I think you’re gorgeous!

THIRSTY:      Let’s have some music. What’s your first track to be?

JOHN:            The National Anthem.

THIRSTY:      ‘God Save the Queen’?

JOHN:            Look, I’ll be lazing about on the island. But each time I hear the Anthem, I’ll have to stand up. And when the thing gets on my nerves, I’ll run round to the other side of the island, to get away from it. It’ll be good exercise.

                        [‘God Save the Queen’]

THIRSTY:      Are you a ‘Jack-of-all-trades’, John?

JOHN:            No, Thirsty, I’ve never been a cricket commentator. It’s really clingy, that jumper you’re wearing, isn’t it? Shows your loveliness.

THIRSTY:      Let’s have some more music.

 JOHN:           On the island I won’t have many visitors, so I know I’d enjoy ‘The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba’.

                        [‘The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba’]

THIRSTY:      What about school?

JOHN:            Oh, I’m too old for that. You know, with your looks, Thirsty, you’re wasted on sound radio!

THIRSTY:      Stop it!

JOHN:            And you’re feisty, Thirsty!

THIRSTY:      What’s your next piece of music?

JOHN:            I’d like a recording of ‘Gardeners’ Question Time’ – I could use the tips on growing vegetables.

THIRSTY:      What sort of tips?

JOHN:            Asparagus tips for a start.

                        [‘Gardeners’ Question Time’]

THIRSTY:      When did you decide to become a writer?

JOHN:            I didn’t, Thirsty. I just stopped doing the other things.

THIRSTY:      What’s your next choice?

JOHN:            Clara Butt singing ‘The Lost Chord’ – if the BBC can find it. And I’d like it on vinyl so that, when I’m tired of it, I can heat it over my fire and shape it into a salad bowl.

                        [‘The Lost Chord’]

THIRSTY:      You were a company speechwriter. What was that like?

JOHN:            It was like being a political speechwriter – without the politics. May I put my hand on your knee?

THIRSTY:      Behave yourself!

JOHN:            You’re irresistible when you’re angry!

THIRSTY:      Next!

JOHN:            I’d like a CD, please

THIRSTY:      A CD! Of what?

JOHN:            Oh, any old CD – just to reflect the sun’s rays into the eyes of a passing aeroplane pilot.

THIRSTY:      I can’t play just ‘any old CD’.

JOHN:            Yes, you can – you do it every week.

THIRSTY:      Oh come on, Mr Barclay! You know you’ve to choose a particular track.

JOHN:            All right – Rod Stewart singing ‘Sailing’ – to inspire me to get off the island.

                        [‘Sailing’]

JOHN:            And that’s my list.

THIRSTY:      But you’ve asked for only six tracks!

JOHN:            Well, I’ll have another ‘Clara Butt’.

THIRSTY:      To make a second salad bowl?

JOHN:            Yes, the first one will be a prototype.

THIRSTY:      One last disc then?

JOHN:            I only want to be with you, Thirsty.

THIRSTY:      Pack it in!

JOHN:            I Mean ‘I Only Want To Be With You’ sung by Dusty Springfield – although I do only want to be with you.

                        [‘I Only Want to be With You’]

THIRSTY:      What about reading matter?

JOHN:            I’d like a complete year’s back numbers of the Financial Times.

THIRSTY:      You’re going to sit on the sand reading out-of-date newspapers?

JOHN:            No, I’m going to make a pink boat out of papier mâché.

THIRSTY:      And your luxury?

JOHN:            A framed photograph of you, Thirsty, as a souvenir of the exquisite time I’ve spent with you and to remind me of that beautiful but heartless sorceress who condemned me to the desert island, which will be unbearable – unless, of course, she would care to come with me?

THIRSTY:      Thank you, John Barclay, for letting us hear your desert island discs!

JOHN:            Would you like a satsuma?

15.01.12

BOOK NEWS

'SURFACE MALE - Round the World Without Flying' will soon be taking off (without the use of aviation fuel, of course). The mighty memoir has been printed and has now entered the enchanted labyrinth known as the book trade distribution system. Publication Date is March 3rd. See·Publications.

Meanwhile, bookings for·talks about my travels are building up - see Gigs.

To get in touch with me, please see·Contact page.

26.01.02

NOT TO BE FORGOTTEN

Sunday 29^th January is Holocaust Memorial Day. During my travels round the world, I passed through Poland. After a visit to the Museum at Auschwitz I wrote the following:

It was a good day to go, sunny enough to take photographs but cold enough to help me imagine the part that exposure to bitter weather played in the ill-treatment of the prisoners, for vast numbers died before having to face the gas chambers.

   The Museum consisted of the buildings of the death camp almost perfectly preserved and exhibitions within those buildings, which bore witness to what went on there. The tours were very well organised. They had to be, to cope with the large numbers of visitors. On arrival everyone got to see a film to set the scene, grim but dignified and borne along on the funeral march from Beethoven’s ‘Eroica’ Symphony. The cinema was almost full.

   I knew what happened at Auschwitz but I hadn’t fully appreciated the overall programme of consistent and deliberate ill-treatment, which hastened death for so many. The scale of the operation is hard to comprehend. It helped that we filed past a long glass-fronted chamber containing nothing but human hair. Other chambers held heaps of artificial limbs and crutches, spectacles, toothbrushes, shaving brushes, shoes, small children’s clothing and suitcases bearing the names of individuals.

   We were taken by bus to Auschwitz II also known as Birkenhau. This held three key elements of the complex. First, the railway line that stopped dead at the camp. Second, the remains of the gas chambers and crematoria, blown up by the retreating SS at the end of the War in an attempt to conceal their crimes. Third, the Holocaust Memorial, awesome in its size, stark yet somehow conveying a sense of a humanity utterly denied. It made a fitting end to the tour, which had taken four hours.

   Our guide had been a young Polish woman.

   ‘How many of these tours do you do?’ I’d asked.

   ‘Pretty well one every day,’ she’d said. ‘It’s hard.’

   The work must wear these people down. But thank goodness there are those prepared to do it. The purpose of the Museum is to keep alive the memory of the Holocaust and thus to help prevent similar events. As you know, atrocities did not cease with World War II. All the more reason that as many people as possible learn about this vast-scale and highly organised horror from the evidence so carefully preserved here and so well presented.

11.01.12