John says, 'Welcome to my website. As you can probably see, I am not John Barclay, the Scottish rugby star. Sorry to disappoint you.'

 

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As part of the BBC's celebrations of 70 years of Desert Island Discs, I am proud to include on this page the transcript of a recently recorded programme that may never go out.

DESERT ISLAND DISCS – with Thirsty Tongue

THIRSTY:       My castaway this week is the writer and entertainer John Barclay. He has been a medical student, swimming-bath attendant, bread-slicing-machine-operative’s assistant, speech-writer, newspaper columnist, performance poet, master of ceremonies, guest speaker and latter-day globe trotter. John, you call yourself a ‘late developer’. Does that mean that there’s lots more to come?

JOHN:            Oh yes, Thirsty – and I think you’re gorgeous!

THIRSTY:      Let’s have some music. What’s your first track to be?

JOHN:            The National Anthem.

THIRSTY:      ‘God Save the Queen’?

JOHN:            Look, I’ll be lazing about on the island. But each time I hear the Anthem, I’ll have to stand up. And when the thing gets on my nerves, I’ll run round to the other side of the island, to get away from it. It’ll be good exercise.

                        [‘God Save the Queen’]

THIRSTY:      Are you a ‘Jack-of-all-trades’, John?

JOHN:            No, Thirsty, I’ve never been a cricket commentator. It’s really clingy, that jumper you’re wearing, isn’t it? Shows your loveliness.

THIRSTY:      Let’s have some more music.

 JOHN:           On the island I won’t have many visitors, so I know I’d enjoy ‘The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba’.

                        [‘The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba’]

THIRSTY:      What about school?

JOHN:            Oh, I’m too old for that. You know, with your looks, Thirsty, you’re wasted on sound radio!

THIRSTY:      Stop it!

JOHN:            And you’re feisty, Thirsty!

THIRSTY:      What’s your next piece of music?

JOHN:            I’d like a recording of ‘Gardeners’ Question Time’ – I could use the tips on growing vegetables.

THIRSTY:      What sort of tips?

JOHN:            Asparagus tips for a start.

                        [‘Gardeners’ Question Time’]

THIRSTY:      When did you decide to become a writer?

JOHN:            I didn’t, Thirsty. I just stopped doing the other things.

THIRSTY:      What’s your next choice?

JOHN:            Clara Butt singing ‘The Lost Chord’ – if the BBC can find it. And I’d like it on vinyl so that, when I’m tired of it, I can heat it over my fire and shape it into a salad bowl.

                        [‘The Lost Chord’]

THIRSTY:      You were a company speechwriter. What was that like?

JOHN:            It was like being a political speechwriter – without the politics. May I put my hand on your knee?

THIRSTY:      Behave yourself!

JOHN:            You’re irresistible when you’re angry!

THIRSTY:      Next!

JOHN:            I’d like a CD, please

THIRSTY:      A CD! Of what?

JOHN:            Oh, any old CD – just to reflect the sun’s rays into the eyes of a passing aeroplane pilot.

THIRSTY:      I can’t play just ‘any old CD’.

JOHN:            Yes, you can – you do it every week.

THIRSTY:      Oh come on, Mr Barclay! You know you’ve to choose a particular track.

JOHN:            All right – Rod Stewart singing ‘Sailing’ – to inspire me to get off the island.

                        [‘Sailing’]

JOHN:            And that’s my list.

THIRSTY:      But you’ve asked for only six tracks!

JOHN:            Well, I’ll have another ‘Clara Butt’.

THIRSTY:      To make a second salad bowl?

JOHN:            Yes, the first one will be a prototype.

THIRSTY:      One last disc then?

JOHN:            I only want to be with you, Thirsty.

THIRSTY:      Pack it in!

JOHN:            I Mean ‘I Only Want To Be With You’ sung by Dusty Springfield – although I do only want to be with you.

                        [‘I Only Want to be With You’]

THIRSTY:      What about reading matter?

JOHN:            I’d like a complete year’s back numbers of the Financial Times.

THIRSTY:      You’re going to sit on the sand reading out-of-date newspapers?

JOHN:            No, I’m going to make a pink boat out of papier mâché.

THIRSTY:      And your luxury?

JOHN:            A framed photograph of you, Thirsty, as a souvenir of the exquisite time I’ve spent with you and to remind me of that beautiful but heartless sorceress who condemned me to the desert island, which will be unbearable – unless, of course, she would care to come with me?

THIRSTY:      Thank you, John Barclay, for letting us hear your desert island discs!

JOHN:            Would you like a satsuma?

15.01.12

BOOK NEWS

'SURFACE MALE - Round the World Without Flying' will soon be taking off (without the use of aviation fuel, of course). The mighty travel memoir has been printed and has now entered the mysterious labyrinth known as the book trade distribution system. Publication Date is March 3rd. See·Publications.

Meanwhile, bookings for·talks about my travels are building up - see Gigs.

To get in touch with me, please see·Contact page.

26.01.02

VALENTINE’S DAY

What you up to with that swine –
that fancy feller, Valentine?
A wetter name I never heard.

His whole performance, it's absurd –

all these hearts he keeps on sending,

cards and flowers never ending.

Look, his favourite colour’s pink –

he needs to go and see a shrink.

What you mean – I’m not romantic?

’course I’m not. It drives me frantic –

all this lovey-dovey stuff.

I’m telling you I’ve had enough!

I do the little things you like.

I mow the lawn. I fixed your bike.

I pay the bills. I wash the car.

This Valentine has gone too far.

I see he’s taken over shops

and restaurants – he never stops.

The magazines are full of it.

He’s just a scented bag of shit.

What you mean – it’s just one day?

I thought the beast was here to stay!

Oh, I know what you’re really wishing –

all right, love, I’ll take you fishing.

John Barclay

04.02.12