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LYRICS MINI-DRAMAS MINI-OPERAS MINI-PANTOS MONOLOGUES SKETCHES
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LYRICS
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – LYRICS
3 minutes; 1 male singer “I’d Like to Join Your Drama Group”: from coffee-boy to King Lear in three easy verses, set to Gilbert & Sullivan; can involve mid-song costume changes (I can advise) code: L-Join ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – LYRICS
3 mins; 1 male singer with optional non-vocal part for a young, “well-fit” female: “Hello, Mum and Step-dad Maurice”: Updated and Anglicized British version of song made famous by Alan Sherman “Hello, Mudda . . . hello, Fadda”. code: L-Mum ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – LYRICS
4 mins; 2 males, 1 female + a small chorus “Beethoven’s Little-known Ode to Grief” L1: Set during the 2012 London Olympic Games, three athletes lament their failure to win medals. code: L-Beethoven ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – LYRICS
4 and a half mins; 1 solo male or 3 male & 1 unspecified, to recite and sing “On the Scouting Trail”: nostalgic and witty new spoken verses alternating with traditional scout songs, recall JB’s scouting days in the fifties. The audience may like to join in. code: L-Scouting ORDER
MINI-DRAMAS
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
6 mins; 2 men in their forties, 2 women of around 20: “The Treasure of Trincomalee”: a brisk, uncomplicated melodrama set in the Tropics at the turn of the 19th/20th Century. Not many laughs, but the sensational reversal in which ruthless cruelty is bravely thwarted, while horror gives way to loving reunion with an abrupt end to the villain and the discovery of his hat, should be satisfyingly cathartic, almost certainly providing a complete contrast to everything else in your programme .code: MD-Treasure ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL– MINI-DRAMA
6 mins: 3 male, 3 female, 2 unspecified (including a compere): “Goldie Lock and the Two Bears” This is a desperate, gruesome comedy set in the Greasy Knuckle Saloon in Yukon Territory during the Gold Rush. It’s a story of harsh conditions, forlorn hopes, loose morals and rough liquor. The piece ends with a song in which the whole cast joins. Requires: a small bear costume, a severed human leg still clothed and a strong stomach. code: MD-Goldie ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
7 mins; 2 male, 2 female: “Lawrence of Suburbia” A social comedy. Two couples at different stages of the sexual revolution of the Sixties, meet for a drink in the home of one couple after watching the blockbuster “Lawrence of Arabia”. Requires “cheesy whotsits”. code: S.Lawrence ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
7 mins; 2 male, one young, one middle-aged, 2 female, one late thirties, the other 18: “The Woolwich Ferry” A fast-moving send-up of the Victorian melodrama, with the high moral tone and measured language of the period, made comic by the exhilarating speed of the story and the stereotypical nature of the characters) Required: a chain, a padlock, a whistle and a bottle of poison. code: MD-Woolwich ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
7 mins; 4 male, 2 female (although in our production George was played very successfully by a woman): “Blackadder Goes Forth”, Episode 5a, “But How You Played the Game”. A little-known episode, never shown on television, which I found half-buried in the trenches used in Episode 6. Or, if you prefer, a clever pastiche of the series. It is Blackadder’s turn to hatch a cunning plan, which involves some clever disguises and terrible threats to make Baldric hold his tongue. Requires: a knowledge of the original, sound effects, a little spoken French, two French accents, a set of the game “Ludo”, a screen, a stage with curtains and a small apron. code: MD-Blackadder ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
8 mins; 5 male, 4 female and one unspecified: “A Very British Scandal” The Profumo Affair of the Sixties as a comedy, with all the key characters, including Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies, in their seventies, looking back on the event, while the other characters we see at the time of the crisis. Some sharp and witty exchanges. Harold Macmillan, Stephen Ward’s receptionist and a mysterious butler (apparently naked) at the Astor’s are obviously comic characters, but there’s fun for all. Requires a stage with curtains and a small raised area where Christine and Mandy meet at a bus stop, with flexible lighting to switch between these two acting areas. code: MD-Scandal ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
8 mins: 4 male, 4 female, 2 unspecified (one of these is a strong singer): “The Flood, the Blood and the Crud”. In this poo-ridden comedy, Noah and his family celebrate his 600th birthday aboard the Ark. Critical sound effects, costumes for two animals destined to become extinct and some crude props including comedy turds. code: MD-Flood ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
8 mins; 4 male, 2 female, 4 unspecified: “Murder on the Swanage Line” A spoof murder mystery with a cast of ridiculous characters. A number of performers are travelling by train to appear in a music hall at the Mowlem Theatre, Swanage, when the knife-thrower is discovered (apparently) dead. His knives may be lying as still as he is but the wisecracks are flying all over the guard’s van. The location and place names could be altered to suit the location of your theatre. This piece should not be performed on the same bill as “Death on a Plate”. Required: the actors need to sway or walk unsteadily while the train is in motion. code: MD-Swanage ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
8 mins: 4 male, 6 female: “Death on a Plate” by Tabitha Crustie, assisted by John Barclay” A spoof detective mystery in the Agatha Christie mould, with appearances by the author and two of her best-loved characters. Seven other appealing cameo roles make this ridiculous drama, set in a Dorset vicarage in the 1950s, ideal as a meaty, large-cast drama for near the end of the show. You will need to plot their moves carefully because there will be a lot of people on stage at a time, especially at the end when more than half of them have been poisoned to death.code: MD-Plate ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
8 mins: 2 male, 8 female: “After all these years”. A comedy. A schoolgirls’ 20-year reunion turns sour as old hostilities are reawakened and behaviour descends to the level of the children they once were. Required: a table or tables and chairs to seat eight. Could be played in the round. code: MD-Years ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
9 mins: 3 male, 3 female: “Lady Felixstowe’s Fortune”: This fast-moving melodrama went down well at the Edinburgh Festival and later in the Rex Players’ Summer Show. It is set in a wealthy Edwardian household, where very little is what it seems. The body count is only beaten by “Death on a Plate” (above). Required: a number of props essential to the story. code: MD-Felixstowe ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
12 mins: 3 male, 3 female, 1 unspecified: “Concrete Evidence” Set on a sea cliff in the West Country between the two world wars, this atmospheric melodrama contains a rich cast of characters, surprise after surprise and a faintly ridiculous period flavour. You and your audience should have a lot of fun. The set is critical to the story, but within the scope of all dramatic societies. code: MD-Concrete ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-DRAMA
20 mins: 4 male, 2 female, 1 unspecified (can be pre-recorded): “Barnacle’s Books” A comedy. The power of television to save a doomed family business. Includes a part for a teenage girl, a chance for a male actor to double as a dotty old bookseller and his younger business-like brother. Three scenes on a single set indicate the passage of time. The final auction scene treats the audience as potential bidders. code: MD-Barnacle ORDER
MINI-OPERAS
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-OPERA
7 mins; 3 male singers, 1 female singer, at least 4 unspecified performers by way of a chorus; “John & Yoko – the Opera”. The starting point is John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s famous week-long stay in bed. Book and lyrics by JB, music by the Beetles. Required: a mocked-up vertical bed allowing the couple to be seen clearly and enabling the magical appearance of a periscope, a nun and a submarine captain. A good pianist is essential. code: MO-Yoko ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-OPERA
10 mins; 2 males, 2 females, 1 or more unspecified performers; “Carmen and the Car-repair Men” L01; book & lyrics set to existing tunes, including “Daisy, Daisy” and Verdi’s “Anvil Chorus”. A resounding finish to a show or its first half. Mr Fusspot arrives at Granville Motors in Dagenham to complain about the courtesy car they let him have while they struggle to repair his ancient Ford. Carmen, the foreperson, longs to escape from the frustrating work of repairing old crocks and the boss’s wife is baking her head off. This comic opera offers a chance for a mezzo-soprano to let her hair down. There are spoken and sung lines for all. Required: a set representing a motor-repair works, a poster depicting the Renault Clio 4 (I can help with this), a tall pile of baps, an old bicycle, a motor horn and an accomplished pianist. code: MO-Carmen ORDER
MINI-PANTOS
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-PANTO
8 mins; 8 male, 6 female (with some scope for gender-blind casting): “Old King Cole”, a mediaeval verse pantomime, set in the Isle of Purbeck in Dorset. Required: a magic cloth to assist the transformation of Princess Gladys from old and plain, to young and pretty (I can advise on this). code: MP-Cole ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-PANTO
8 Mins: 5 male, 5 female, 3 unspecified (including the compere): The Queen of Hertfordshire” combines “The Queen of He(a)rts” with “Humpty-Dumpty”. It fizzes along at speed, with puns and wisecracks all the way, and features three queens, a knave, an ace and the Constable of Dunstable. Requires: an oven large enough for the Knave of Herts to hide behind and inside, a Humpty-Dumpty costume. code: MP-Herts ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MINI-PANTO
8 mins; 1 male, 2 female, 4 unspecified including a compere/narrator “The Princess and the Volumetrically Challenged Spherical Green Vegetable”. Based on the fairy tale“The Princess and the Pea”, this is a politically correct story centred on a politically incorrect royal household. Required: 3 mattresses (or 1 mattress carried three times) and a large dead monkey. code: MP-Vegetable ORDER
MONOLOGUES
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MONOLOGUE
3 and a half mins; 1 person of unspecified gender: “Future Imperfect” Time-travellers from our “present” (ie the entire audience) are welcomed 20 years in the future); requires one futuristic costume; as we move into the future the script may need some modifications of events predicted. code: M-Future ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MONOLOGUE
3 and a half mins; 1 male: “Taxi!” A London taxi driver confuses an (imaginery) foreign visitor to the Olympic Games 2012 with his list of all the sporting events. A rewarding challenge for a comedian or character actor. M-Taxi ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – MONOLOGUE
5 mins; I performer of unspecified gender (a real woman or a man in drag): “A Lesson in Domestic Cookery”. This is a cookery demonstration from long ago, which starts genteelly and goes steadily down hill as the cook, unsteadily, becomes progressively drunk. Requires a table, utensils and the ingredients for a Christmas pudding mentioned in the script. Particularly suitable for Autumn or the Christmas season. 5 minute stand-up comedy script M-Cookery ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – A PAIR OF MONOLOGUEs
3 mins each; 1 male: “The Man From South C’roydon” Set in the mid 1950s, with references to Festival of Britain, Conquest of Everest, Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II, Sputnik, 4-minute mile and hula-hoops). A convincing and loveable comic character. Ideal for a spot in each half of your show. You can see me perform the monologues on my VIDEOS page. code: M-Croydon ORDER
SKETCHES
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
1 male, 1 female, 1 unspecified (compere): “Read Any Good Books Lately?” A traditional sketch in a traditional library. The librarian, however, is far from mousy and full of wisecracks. Required: a large notice hanging from the ceiling. code: code: S-Books ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
1 min; 3 female: “Taking Steps” SO1 (Olympic medal winners reflect on their relative statuses); echoes of Cleese, Barker and Corbett – “I look down on him . . .”. Requires a small platform consisting of steps at three different heights, the tallest in the middle. code: S-Steps ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
1 min; 2 unspecified: “Living Dangerously” neat, fast-moving, simple sketch is as much about the workings of sketches as the government health warnings on cigarette packets. No scenery, furniture or props. S-Dangerously code: ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
2 mins; 1 male, 1 unspecied: “Get fell in!” Adapted by me from memory of a traditional, anonymous script. A slovenly fool of an army recruit is cheeky to an officer. The comedy comes from the contrast between the two characters, as well as the recruit’s smart-Alec remarks. Easy to stage. code: S-Fell ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
2 and a half mins; 1 male, 1 female: “The Wonderful Washbrooks” The worst mind-reading act in the world; requires two carrier bags, one prepared as described. code: S-Washbrook ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
2 and a half mins; 3 male, 1 female: “The Horace Morris Show” (tongue-in-cheek tongue-twister); requires brisk, confident, cheerful delivery, as if what they are saying is normal code: S-Horace ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
3 mins; 1 male, 1 female: “Romeo and Cleopatra Lost, Part Two” A Shakepeare scene to end all such scenes. The bard’s lines are misinterpreted and re-strung to produce hilarious nonsense with a ribald sequence of actions which literally “take the piss”. Requires: two actors who can keep a straight face, a glass flask and a hidden artifical bladder of straw-coloured liquid. You can see me and my doughty fellow player perform the sketch for the Rex Players of Wareham on the VIDEOS page of this website. code:S-Romeo ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
3 mins; 1 male, 1 unspecified: “On Ship Bored” A passenger irritates the captain of a container ship; required to suggest the deck of a ship (this could be by sound effects) code: code: S-ship ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
3 and a half mins; 2 male, 1 female: “Piste Off” Short enough to be a sketch, this is more like a mini-drama. Three adults, staying at a ski resort, have become bitter or cynical because skiing accidents are keeping them off the slopes. The partners of two of them, still out in the snow, have become romantically involved, to the horror of the walking wounded, who are further shocked to see the partner of one them carried past the window on a stretcher. Required: plaster casts etc for the injured. The stretcher is not seen by the audience. code: S.Piste ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
4 mins: 3 female, one with a very deep voice – has been played by a man in drag (me) – and one 1 male: “Bull’s Eye” the British ladies archery team let off steam team ahead of their final match in the London Olympics 2012. Required: the lighting and sound desks should be visible from the stage. code: S.Bull ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
2 mins; 2 male, 2 female: “Life’s Seasons” Four stages of life (infancy, adolescence, mid-life and old age) are represented in four brief scenes, with identical words and very different actions. Required: good improvisers or a good director of movement. code: S-Seasons ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
4 mins; 2 unspecified players: “In the Bag” Very early breathalyser test in the Sixties. Policeman and drunken party-goer work it out together. Requires: breathalyser bag that changes colour; sixties or reasonably timeless costumes. code: S-Bag ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
“Big Sister is Watching You” Two rail passengers find that the station announcer knows more about them than they expected and broadcasts it. Requires: the suggestion of a railway public address system. code:code: S-Sister ORDERJOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
6 mins; 2 male, 2 female; “Bugger Bognor!” or “Travel Unravelled” A visit to a travel agents offers far more than expected. Corny puns, smart banter and a surprising change of gear, topically featuring recreational space travel. code: S-Bognor ORDER
JOHN BARCLAY’S FREE COMEDY MATERIAL – SKETCH
8 mins; 3 male, 1 female, 2 unspecified; “Marathon Man” Extraordinary finish to the great race in London. Requires 1 penguin costume, 1 real or dummy radio mic’ and a way onto the stage from the auditorium code: S-Marathon ORDER
Comedy Material Generator
Items will be sent within a few days, as attachments to an email. There is no charge for this service or for performing right to the pieces, but they may not be sold on to others.
Email queries and comments to johnbarclay@btinternet.com